Help Me Ronald
by Shifty-eyed Matilda
Summary: After Cho turns Harry's invitation to the Yule Ball down (mid-GoF), Harry makes a plea to Ron...in song! [Slash - mild HPRW, one-shot song parody.]


**Help Me Ronald**

Warnings: Slashiness, rampant silliness, purposeful OOC-ness, the whole shebang.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything related. I also do not own "Help Me Rhonda," a Beach Boys song written by Brian Wilson.

A/N: A lot of things happen at the same time in this little song parody thing, so when I indent underneath something, it means that it is happening concurrently.

This is a different scenario for what could have happened after Harry asked Cho to the Yule Ball (if Hogwarts was as odd as my imagination, that is). This is meant to attempt to be funny, so that's why everyone's odd.

***

_HARRY walks up the stairs to the dormitory he shares with RON, NEVILLE, SEAMUS and DEAN. RON is sitting on his bed, alone. He tries to hide the Viktor Krum figurine he was playing with, and fails miserably. HARRY crashes onto his bed with a loud sigh._

RON: What's wrong, Harry?

HARRY: Oh, I just asked Cho Chang to the Yule Ball.

RON: Didn't go well?

HARRY: If by "didn't go well," you mean that she shot me down flat because she's going with Diggory, then you could say that.

RON: Ouch. Well, at least you didn't make an ass of yourself by asking Fleur Delacour in front of half the school.

HARRY: What idiot did that?

_RON looks around sheepishly_

HARRY: Oh, sorry. That's rough. Yeah, I just don't know, Cho might just be out of reach. She's so pretty and popular and talented...

RON: You never know. She might come around.

HARRY: No, I think I'm best giving up on her. Focusing on people who are more in reach, you know... (suddenly looks at RON with increased interest).

RON: (wiping his mouth) Do I have something on my face? I accidentally took a Chocolate Frog Fred gave me earlier, and I keep expecting to burst out in spots or something...(notices HARRY is leaning forward even more) What's wrong, Harry? Are you feeling ill?

HARRY: You know, Ron, we've been friends for a good long time.

RON: I know...

HARRY: We've been through a lot together.

RON: What're you gettin' at?

_The music for "Help Me Rhonda" starts playing from an unknown source. RON looks around, mystified._

HARRY: (singing) Well, since Cho turned me down I've been out walkin' in the halls.

RON: Urk?

HARRY: I came up to the dorm and you're just sittin' here playin' with dolls.

_From somewhere offstage, an "Oohhh..." can be heard._

RON: Hey! You weren't supposed to...I mean...what?!

HARRY: Well, Ronald you look so fine

SEAMUS and DEAN: (emerging from the staircase) Look so fine!

RON: Was this planned?

HARRY: And I know it wouldn't take much time for you to

SEAMUS and DEAN: Aaahhh...

HARRY: Help me Ronald, help me get Cho out of my heart.

RON: What do you mean?!

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

HARRY: (advancing on Ron, who cowers in the corner of his bed.) I know this may come as a shock.

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

NEVILLE: (entering the room, singing with a deep baritone) Bowm, bowm, bowm...

HARRY: Believe me, it does for me, too.

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

HARRY: But wouldn't you agree that we're good together?

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

NEVILLE: Bowm, bowm, bowm...

HARRY: I mean, you could say we're a team, a pair...

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

HARRY: We're inseparable, really.

RON: But, Harry...

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

NEVILLE: Bowm, bowm, bowm...

HARRY: No buts, Ron, just listen to the refrain, the mantra...

HARRY, SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, yeah...

HARRY: Get Cho out of my heart.

HARRY: She was gonna be my date and I was gonna be her champ.

SEAMUS and DEAN: Aaahhh...

NEVILLE: Bowm, bowm, bowm, bowm, oh Ronald.

_RON appears to be listening, but has actually just been stunned temporarily speechless, finally._

HARRY: But she said "yes" to Cedric and 'bout me she couldn't give a damn.

SEAMUS and DEAN: Aaahhh...

NEVILLE: Bowm, bowm, bowm, bowm, oh Ronald.

RON: But Cho always seems so nice!

HARRY: Well, Ronald you caught my eye

SEAMUS and DEAN: Ooohhh...caught my eye!

NEVILLE: Well, it's the general principle of rejection, Ron.

HARRY: And I can give you lotsa reasons why

RON: So far, you've given me approximately one and a half.

HARRY: You gotta...

SEAMUS and DEAN: Ohhh...

HARRY: Help me Ronald, help me get Cho out of my heart.

NEVILLE: Bowm, bowm, bowm...

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

HARRY: But, Ron, I've just started on reasons...

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

NEVILLE: Bowm, bowm, bowm...

RON: No, I need to get started. What's going on?

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

RON: Where is all of the music coming from?

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

NEVILLE: Bowm, bowm, bowm...

RON: Why are our mates helping you with this?

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

RON: Have you been preparing for this? Is it a joke?

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

NEVILLE: Bowm, bowm, bowm...

RON: (yelling) And when did Neville's voice get so low?!

HARRY: Shh... Listen...

HARRY, SEAMUS, and DEAN: Help me Ronald, yeah

HARRY: Get Cho out of my heart.

_As the instrumental break starts, SEAMUS, DEAN, and NEVILLE go to do their normal activities as though nothing has happened. SEAMUS and DEAN start in on their weekly debate over the merits of football vs. those of Quidditch, while NEVILLE starts looking through_ Magical Water Plants of the Mediterranean. _RON is baffled by this._

RON: Neville, what are you up to?

NEVILLE: I'm just looking at this book.

RON: No, just now, when you were singing.

NEVILLE: What are you going on about?

HARRY: Ron, please, we were having a talk here.

RON: Not quite a talk, Harry, more like karaoke night! (lowers voice) And, what do you mean by "helping" you? Surely you don't...

HARRY: Oh, but I do, Ron.

RON: (yelling) Harry, I can't go to the Ball with you!

_SEAMUS, DEAN, and NEVILLE resume their places behind HARRY and begin singing again._

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

HARRY: Well, I know we couldn't go to anything so public.

_All four of the singers begin to advance slowly but steadily upon RON, with HARRY in front. RON steps backwards slowly in time with the others._

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

NEVILLE: Bowm, bowm, bowm...

HARRY: But that doesn't mean you and I couldn't

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

HARRY: move our relationship to the next level, so to speak.

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

NEVILLE: Bowm, bowm, bowm...

RON: What level?

HARRY: I'm not asking for much...

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

HARRY: Just, maybe, (lowers voice) a kiss?

_By this time, RON has been backed up against the wall, and HARRY is practically touching noses with him. SEAMUS, DEAN, and NEVILLE just sing merrily behind HARRY._

SEAMUS and DEAN: Help me Ronald, help help me Ronald

NEVILLE: Bowm, bowm, bowm...

RON: Here? In front of them?

HARRY, SEAMUS, and DEAN: Help me Ronald, yeah

HARRY: Get Cho out of my heart.

_As the music fades out, SEAMUS, DEAN, and NEVILLE go back to their pursuits, oblivious to the intense discussion occurring in the corner._

HARRY: (whispers) Well, no, it's a big castle...

RON: (whispers) That's true...

HARRY: (loudly) So, Ron, you want to go to the...library? (raises eyebrows pleadingly)

RON: (thinks)......Uh, yeah, okay, sure, Harry.

_As they leave the room with goodbyes to their friends, RON wipes his palms on his robes, and HARRY makes a fist and pumps his elbow backwards in a victorious gesture._


End file.
